The Almost Lonesome Dead

(short story about a lonesome zombie. I thought this would be a good time (since it is soon to be Halloween) to publish it here. Dark, funny, and a little gruesome so I warn it could be a little yucky.)

The Almost Lonesome Dead: Bluey

1.

It came climbing down the hill
Following him is a pack of dogs
Laughing at him.
What’s the matter, pups?
What do you find so funny?
What’s up, pup?
A pup slobbering
Panting pulls closer to it.
And barks.
I don’t speak pup. It replies.
As it got to the very bottom
There were more dogs
Coming from all directions now
All laughing and barking.
Hey pups. He said Bending
To one knee,
Close to a dead flower or dying
Flower not yet dead all the way
Dead just dying instead.
One pup with really big blue eyes
Starts to sniff him.
What do you smell?
Death was on the pups face
And gleaming from its eyes.
I am sorry.
I didn’t know
Death disturbs you.
I’m not alive
I’m a zombie.
The pup just turned away
From the Zombie, Heading
Back to the Laughing pups.
The zombie got up
Smelled the air
And began a walk.
Aimlessly.
Without reason.
And the pups are still following him
Laughing loudly
Loud enough to wake the dead.

2.

The Zombie is walking slowly
Dead as a doorknob
But walking, and the dogs are
Gone except for one,
The blue eye one.
It follows the Zombie
Down a river bank
As seagulls squak
And ducks quack
In the dog’s ear.
Ah you again
Does your nose
Seek me?
It just looks queerly at the Zombie
And then quickly sits
As though it had been commanded
To do so and begins sniffing
Itself.
You are welcome to follow me
On my quest to find brain.
The Zombie cracks
What seems like a rotten
Grin, exposing maggot like teeth (sparse) as it smiles.
Then sits down by Bluey
Pets him with his more bone
Than flesh hand, tenderly.
No worries mate I eat
Only human brain.
Do you mind if I call you
Bluey.
Bluey whispers a bark
And licks the rotten face
From forehead to chin.
So you agree. Bluey it will be.
The Zombie grins as a fly
Exits his mouth.
You can bark me Epsom.
My friends call me Epsom.
And you are a friend.

The Almost Lonesome Dead: Epsom

1.

He is alive. He knows this
Because his skin is warm
Touched by the sun.

He still breathes
The air around
No matter the virus
All around.
He is wearing a mask
Over his mouth
To keep the virus out.
He washes his hands
And makes sure he is 5 feet
Apart from people crowding
So as to stay alive
To stay human
With only the need
To drink water.
To eat hamburgers
And fries.
He is a good protective
Person.
No fucking zovid is gonna
Make him die
And come back as the
Undead brain eaters
That roam around his
House
And on occasion
In the super markets.

2.

And yet Epsom got (with his mask on) bit a few times
By his rabid friend Nelson.

Nelson his best man at his wedding
Nelson who got him laid for the
1st time
Nelson who got Epsom to drink
His first shot of Jack
Nelson who introduced him
To Mary Jane. Not the girl but
The drug.
Nelson bit him on his back and
His right arm.
Nelson. His best friend.
Only friend in the whole infested
World.
Oh Nelson why?

3.

Epsom rises from the
Dead
Yet his buddy Nelson with a
Shot to his head
Stays dead
Epsom continues dead
And wanting brains
Yet Nelson is dead
Again.

The Almost Lonesome Dead: The Journey

Bluey is Panting

Water is no where To be found

No where near or around.

Epsom is salivating

He finally sees brains

And his infection has him well trained.

To follow the brains.

There Bluey. See the brains?

Bluey barks wagging his tail.

And starts laughing

I agree pup. It is funny.

The family of 3 see Epsom and

Begins preparations to thwart

Him and his laughing pup.

2. The family of 3

Dad grabs the hatchet

And mama the sword

(Cutlass she had picked up

From Mega Con)

Little one called sue

Is crying.

Stand behind me Dad tells

Them his arms holding them

Back like some magical shield.

Dad hears Epsom

Moan and he too moans

Epsom is creeping closer

Its almost over

Epsom takes the family

Eating them happily.

Bluey is wagging his

Tail

Without fail.

In the attack, however

Dad was able to take Epsom’s

Arm off cleanly.

But that is not how one takes

out a zombie properly.

The Almost Lonesome Dead:

Epsom Dies Once Again

Espom dies once again,

This time with dull knife through his head

This will surely make him dead.

Epsom buckles; on the ground dead, Bluey begins to lick his face,

The blood, and the rotting flesh; fiercely lapping up Epsom’s blood,

Chewing on the rot and the maggots squirming in the rot.

The man with the murder weapon, dripping blood, in hand, inspects the gruesome final scene,

Cleans his knife with his dirty blue shirt,

Spits at the dog, turns, and heads back to his safe room on the hill.

THE END

10 25 2013

Political Funny For Today

In The Pumpkin Patch No One Can Hear You Scream

Trash Man

A short short story from my Weird Shorts collection. This one was inspired by the creepy alley in the back of the office buildings my dad and I would clean, at night.

Don’t move. Don’t even breathe. Aaron thought nervously. Maybe IT won’t notice me. I knew I shouldn’t have come out here. I knew it!

IT was ravenously gobbling up spilled waste from a toppled garbage can. With its scaly claws, it searched through the pile of empty cans and plastic wrappings, every so often popping a morsel of discarded food into its gaping mouth.

IT was a gruesome spectacle. Covering the thing’s body were huge, thick green scales that sparkled strangely in the moonshine; it sported a long crocodilian tail that it wagged behind it as it devoured its nasty meal of rotten bits and fruit peels. Slobber was spilling from its mouth. And it stunk to high heaven.

Suddenly, the thing stopped munching, turned towards the hiding Aaron, and then sniffed the air. A serpent like tongue darted outward when it growled.

Aaron gasped. “Shit,” he whispered.

The thing dropped the garbage in its claws and lunged for Aaron.

Startled, Aaron fell backwards.

The thing growled again, placing its sharp claws upon Aaron’s chest.

“Why are you here?” The thing asked Aaron as it lapped his face.

“I heard noises out here and I came to check it out.”

“Not much garbage tonight. I’m so very hungry,” the thing said, breathing heavily upon Aaron’s face.

“I am sorry to hear that,” Aaron replied. “I will let you return to your dinner.”

“Not much garbage tonight. I’m very very hungry.”

“The trashmen came this morning. I think.”

The thing dug its claws into Aaron’s chest.

Aaron winced. “I…I know….Come with me to my home. I will provide you with more garbage. I promise, just go easy on my chest there.”

The thing grinned, as it let go of Aaron’s chest, exposing rows upon rows of horribly long, sharp teeth.

“Thank you,” Aaron whimpered.

The next night Aaron invited some colleagues over for a casual dinner party. Hamburgers, hot-dogs, potato salad, beer and wine, soda pop.

After dinner, Linda, a colleague and long time friend of Aaron’s, gathered up the dirty dinner plates, chucking the leftover scraps onto one big plate. She strolled over to the sink with the big plate of leftover scraps in her hands. With a fork she proceeded to scrape the scraps off the plate into the disposal (what she thought was the disposal). Strangely the disposal started up even with out her having to turn it on, making unusual guttural sounds and munching noises. Not the normal sounds a disposal in perfect working manner would make.

“Aaron?” She called out. “There’s something wrong with your disposal!”

Aaron swallowed. The Thing! And quickly he bolted towards the kitchen.

Stumbling into the kitchen he discovered he was too late. For in the thing’s mouth was the half-eaten leg of his colleague and friend, Linda. Her neck had been sliced and was spilling blood across the floor.

The thing looked up at his new friend, smiling, and said, “Thank you.”

THE END

By Arturo Hernandez 9-7-2000

Parker’s Circles

My grandson Parker’s Artwork. Such a talented young man. He makes circles in Red look so interesting. What a beautiful mind. What a wonderful find. This grandchild of mine. He makes the bad things in my mind disintegrate. When he looks at me I can only feel great.

By Arturo Hernandez. 10 8 2020.

Pleading

“Who the hell–cough–are you man–cough,cough–huh?”

I’m the guy who sprayed you with this deadly gas from this deadly can.

“You–cough–are killing me…”

Boyyyyy, but what a smart one you are. Yes it’s the deadly gas that makes you now speak to me. At first I did not hear you, but then after a few sprays of this deadly gas you can actually find the senses to talk to me.

“Why–cough–I must say–cough–cough–why?–I have a hive i must–cough–watch hatch;” (coughing loudly) “baby flys- cough,cough,cough–to look after–cough,cough–Mr?–cough.”

I am my darling’s big old man, she sent me to exterminate you. Believe me, if not for her, my darling, you’d still be flying around.

[Coughing loudly, the slowly but surely dying fly kicks up its legs, and finishes its coughing.] “Poor thing,” the big old man murmured.

Arturo Hernandez 5-2-1995

What a Hellacious Field Trip That Was Mrs. Langley

Mrs. Langley raises two bony fingers in the shape of the peace sign in the air and gradually hushes the children.

“I want a peaceful place, children,” she tells them. “And I want one in one…two…three…”

The bus is quickly silenced, except for two boys who were still whispering in the back of the bus.

“Look Trev, over there,” one of the boys in the back whispers to his buddy sitting next to him, pointing to a man strapped upside down on a broken wooden cross with blood pouring from his wrist and ankles. He was being whipped by a grotesquely looking creature with three horns and a very long tail and prodded repeatedly by another one of those creatures with a red hot poker.

“Cool!” Trev exclaims, forgetting Mrs. Langley’s request for a peaceful place.

“Trevor Johnson? Do you need to see Mr. Jeffories After the field trip young man?” Her eyes are on fire , much like the ones roaring outside and all around the school bus.

“No Ma’am,” Trev replies.

“Mrs. Langley? Mrs. Langley??” A tiny girl next to the boys on the other side of the bus raises her hand.

“Yes, Sharon?”

“It’s hot in here. Can we roll the windows down?”

“You can’t do much bout the heat down here, Sharon. Hell’s on fire 24 hours of the day, honey,” Mrs. Langley explains with a smile. “Now boys and girls, Mr. Demoniac will be here soon to guide us through Hell momentarily. I want,” her smile is all gone now, “all my children on their best behavior. Am I understood??”

“Yes Mrs. Langley,” they all chime in.

“Very good. I’d hate to leave one of you kids behind.”

Suddenly, the doors to the school bus fly open and a horrendous howling moves up the steps and down towards the back of the bus, followed by the tour guide, Mr. Demoniac. The hot air in the bus quickly turns to ice cold.

“Hello children and welcome to Hell. My name is Mr. Demoniac. I will be your guide here in Hell,” he tells the children in a smooth deep voice. “Have you any questions please fell free to ask me anytime.”

Trev raises his hand.

“Yes? The boy in the back. What is your query?”

“You mean what is my question, Mr. Demoniac?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Oh, ok. Um…will we burn here?? I mean if we leave the school bus??”

Demoniac begins to cackle. “No…no of course not my child…burning is for the damned. You children will be perfectly safe with me. There’s no need to worry.”

Trev’s buddy raises his hand. “My name is Bobby…Bobby Nivelles, Sir. Um…I was wondering,” he begins to ask him pointing to the man strapped to the cross, “what did he do?”

“Well Bobby. He did a real bad thing. He got drunk, really drunk, and got in his Mustang GT and crashed head on with a family of four. He killed every one onboard, but managed to escape with just a broken femur. He was never sent to jail and instead received a slap on the hand.” Demoniac focuses his attention towards the man suffering on the cross. “But you see, Bobby, God is not as forgiving as many humans seem to believe he is.”

“Oh,” Bobby replies.

“Any more questions before we begin the tour?”

Sharon raises her tiny hand.

“Yes?”

“I think your AC is broken down here Mr. Demon Man?”

“Mr. Demoniac, sweetheart. I am truly sorry about the heat, it’s been broken down here for quite sometime now.”

“Don’t you think you need to get it fixed?”

He grins and replies, “I will someday…”

Mrs. Langley interrupts, “Ok…lets get this show on the road.”

“This is where we do the initial processing of the damned,” Mr. Demoniac informs the children, pointing to a line of miserable people marching towards a pitch black entrance. “Through that very portal is where Mr. Beelzebub’s crew of hellions prepare the newcomers for the eternity to come…”

Raising his hand, Bobby asks, “Can we go through that door?”

“Maybe some day you will my boy, maybe some day you will. But for right now only the damned ones are allowed passage.”

“Oh, man,” Bobby replies sadly.

“Can we take a peek?” Sharon asks the guide with an innocent look on her face.

The Guide smiles at her with a gleam in his eye and says, “Not if you hold your eyes a precious commodity.”

“Com what a dee??”

“Children, Mr. Demoniac has a couple of guest he would like to introduce to the class.”

Two shadowy creatures appear on either side of Mr. Demoniac, startling the Mrs. Langley.

“Oh dear,” she gasps, jumping back a little.

“Nothing to be afraid of Mrs. Langley. The are toxic only to the damned, and harmless to the holy. To my left, my executive in charge of Extreme Suffering, is Mr. Plen T. Payne and on my right, my right hand man and executive in charge of Total Destruction, Mr. A. Gony.”

Mr. A. Gony opens his mouth, winks to the children, and spews forth a flame upon one of the marchers marching towards the dark portal. The marcher squeals and explodes.

Bobby and Trev remark in unison: “Way cool!!!”

“He does have a flare for the spectacle, Mr. Gony does indeed,” the guide tells the boys, grinning.

The creature bows.

“Hello Mr. Payne and Mr. Gony,” the children all reply.

“How’d you do that Mr. Gony??” Franklin Lopez asks the ugly executive in charge of Total Destruction.

“Well its very easy, child. I think real hard and concentrate and take aim, and let go!” The creature aims his razor sharp tail at another marcher and lets fly a stream of fire, vaporizing the unfortunate instantly.

“Righteous!” Hollers Bobby as he watches the marcher’s smoke rise .

“Come now , children,” Mr. Demoniac motions for the children to follow, “I must show you the Hounds of Hells.”

“Oh be careful Bobby, don’t get to close to the hounds,” Mrs. Langley tells the boy as he nears the two massive hounds feasting upon two corpses in advanced decay.

“It’s quite all right Mrs. Langley, Fido and Spot are feasting upon the damned right now and are completely oblivious of the children,” the guide explains. “Go ahead Bobby pet Fido. Go on he wont bite.”

“Cool,” the boy replies caressing the hound’s mangy coat. “What’s he eating?”

“Oh, well Bobby that is Leon Cordova, he was a mass murderer of children. The hounds love to feast upon mass murderers. Something in their flesh that seems sweat or salty, I am not sure which it is, but the hounds love them.”

“Can I pet him too?” Asks Ginger, Sharon’s playmate.

“Sure, go right ahead, ” Demoniac assures her.

“Children lets form a line and we can all take turns petting the hounds from Hell. Ginger you go first.”

“Mrs. Langley?”

“Yes?”

“After we are done here, I would love to show the children the belfry.”

“That sounds very interesting Mr. Demoniac. Do show,” she replies with a smile.

“Do you hear that children?”

They all stop for a second and turn their attention from the petting to their teacher.

“Mr. Demoniac wants to show us the belfry, so lets hurry here and we will be on our way.”

“Yes Mrs. Langley,” the children all chime in.

They’re covering their tiny ears for the resounding bells are extremely loud.

“They are so loud Sir,” one the kids tells Demoniac.

“Forgive me,” the tour guide from Hell replies. “I will turn the volume down.” And with a ‘Shhhhh” from his ruby red lips and passing off his bony hand the bells are quieter.

“What are the bells for?” Mrs. Langley asks, taking notes on her blue note pad.

“We use them to guide the damned to Hell. Much like a lighthouse would a ship in dire waters.”

“That’s funny. My husband said he heard bells right before he died.”

Looking embarrassed, the guide tells her, “Mr. Langley was a mistake Madam. We quickly corrected the mistake and rerouted your husband towards the heavens above. I am so sorry about that Ma’am.”

“Well,” she says as a look of relief appears on her face, “that’s so good to know.”

“That’s one hellacious tower, Mr. Demoniac,” Trev tells him.

“It once reached pass heaven till God ordered Mr. Beelzebub to shorten it after the Great War up in heaven. But that was a very long time ago. “

“Wow…..” Bobby interjects.

“Yep…wow.”

“Well I believe its time for us to go Mr. Demoniac. Please express our utmost gratitude to your boss Mr. Beelzebub on behalf of Lake Shore Elementary..” she takes his clammy hand, something cold creeps up her arm and she shivers.

“It was our pleasure. Come again, on friendly terms that is,” he tells her, laughing. He turns towards the children, “Thank you for coming. I truly enjoyed your company today, children.”

“Thank you, Mr. Demon Man,” the children chime in.

“Oh man, can’t we stay a little longer Mrs. Langley?? Please!” Bobby asks her.

“Now Bobby, Mr. Demoniac is a very busy man. With all the soul taking he must do every day.”

Smiling, Mr. Demoniac takes the boys hand and tells him: “Oh Bobby. We will be seeing a lot of you. Yes, A whole lot of you. Don’t you worry none.”

“Cool!” Bobby exclaims. “Mrs. Langley this was one Hellacious Field Trip!”

THE END