True That
Tag: humor
A Funny For Today
Reflecting Me
When I reflect memories come bouncing off me. Up and into the air and all around me. And ricochet off the walls. They fling and zing and ding and spring and ring and sing. They zoom in the vacuum of this very room. Smacking and slapping the people in this very room. 10 4 2020. By Arturo Hernandez.
Pleading
“Who the hell–cough–are you man–cough,cough–huh?”
I’m the guy who sprayed you with this deadly gas from this deadly can.
“You–cough–are killing me…”
Boyyyyy, but what a smart one you are. Yes it’s the deadly gas that makes you now speak to me. At first I did not hear you, but then after a few sprays of this deadly gas you can actually find the senses to talk to me.
“Why–cough–I must say–cough–cough–why?–I have a hive i must–cough–watch hatch;” (coughing loudly) “baby flys- cough,cough,cough–to look after–cough,cough–Mr?–cough.”
I am my darling’s big old man, she sent me to exterminate you. Believe me, if not for her, my darling, you’d still be flying around.
[Coughing loudly, the slowly but surely dying fly kicks up its legs, and finishes its coughing.] “Poor thing,” the big old man murmured.
Arturo Hernandez 5-2-1995
What a Hellacious Field Trip That Was Mrs. Langley
Mrs. Langley raises two bony fingers in the shape of the peace sign in the air and gradually hushes the children.
“I want a peaceful place, children,” she tells them. “And I want one in one…two…three…”
The bus is quickly silenced, except for two boys who were still whispering in the back of the bus.
“Look Trev, over there,” one of the boys in the back whispers to his buddy sitting next to him, pointing to a man strapped upside down on a broken wooden cross with blood pouring from his wrist and ankles. He was being whipped by a grotesquely looking creature with three horns and a very long tail and prodded repeatedly by another one of those creatures with a red hot poker.
“Cool!” Trev exclaims, forgetting Mrs. Langley’s request for a peaceful place.
“Trevor Johnson? Do you need to see Mr. Jeffories After the field trip young man?” Her eyes are on fire , much like the ones roaring outside and all around the school bus.
“No Ma’am,” Trev replies.
“Mrs. Langley? Mrs. Langley??” A tiny girl next to the boys on the other side of the bus raises her hand.
“Yes, Sharon?”
“It’s hot in here. Can we roll the windows down?”
“You can’t do much bout the heat down here, Sharon. Hell’s on fire 24 hours of the day, honey,” Mrs. Langley explains with a smile. “Now boys and girls, Mr. Demoniac will be here soon to guide us through Hell momentarily. I want,” her smile is all gone now, “all my children on their best behavior. Am I understood??”
“Yes Mrs. Langley,” they all chime in.
“Very good. I’d hate to leave one of you kids behind.”
Suddenly, the doors to the school bus fly open and a horrendous howling moves up the steps and down towards the back of the bus, followed by the tour guide, Mr. Demoniac. The hot air in the bus quickly turns to ice cold.
“Hello children and welcome to Hell. My name is Mr. Demoniac. I will be your guide here in Hell,” he tells the children in a smooth deep voice. “Have you any questions please fell free to ask me anytime.”
Trev raises his hand.
“Yes? The boy in the back. What is your query?”
“You mean what is my question, Mr. Demoniac?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Oh, ok. Um…will we burn here?? I mean if we leave the school bus??”
Demoniac begins to cackle. “No…no of course not my child…burning is for the damned. You children will be perfectly safe with me. There’s no need to worry.”
Trev’s buddy raises his hand. “My name is Bobby…Bobby Nivelles, Sir. Um…I was wondering,” he begins to ask him pointing to the man strapped to the cross, “what did he do?”
“Well Bobby. He did a real bad thing. He got drunk, really drunk, and got in his Mustang GT and crashed head on with a family of four. He killed every one onboard, but managed to escape with just a broken femur. He was never sent to jail and instead received a slap on the hand.” Demoniac focuses his attention towards the man suffering on the cross. “But you see, Bobby, God is not as forgiving as many humans seem to believe he is.”
“Oh,” Bobby replies.
“Any more questions before we begin the tour?”
Sharon raises her tiny hand.
“Yes?”
“I think your AC is broken down here Mr. Demon Man?”
“Mr. Demoniac, sweetheart. I am truly sorry about the heat, it’s been broken down here for quite sometime now.”
“Don’t you think you need to get it fixed?”
He grins and replies, “I will someday…”
Mrs. Langley interrupts, “Ok…lets get this show on the road.”
“This is where we do the initial processing of the damned,” Mr. Demoniac informs the children, pointing to a line of miserable people marching towards a pitch black entrance. “Through that very portal is where Mr. Beelzebub’s crew of hellions prepare the newcomers for the eternity to come…”
Raising his hand, Bobby asks, “Can we go through that door?”
“Maybe some day you will my boy, maybe some day you will. But for right now only the damned ones are allowed passage.”
“Oh, man,” Bobby replies sadly.
“Can we take a peek?” Sharon asks the guide with an innocent look on her face.
The Guide smiles at her with a gleam in his eye and says, “Not if you hold your eyes a precious commodity.”
“Com what a dee??”
“Children, Mr. Demoniac has a couple of guest he would like to introduce to the class.”
Two shadowy creatures appear on either side of Mr. Demoniac, startling the Mrs. Langley.
“Oh dear,” she gasps, jumping back a little.
“Nothing to be afraid of Mrs. Langley. The are toxic only to the damned, and harmless to the holy. To my left, my executive in charge of Extreme Suffering, is Mr. Plen T. Payne and on my right, my right hand man and executive in charge of Total Destruction, Mr. A. Gony.”
Mr. A. Gony opens his mouth, winks to the children, and spews forth a flame upon one of the marchers marching towards the dark portal. The marcher squeals and explodes.
Bobby and Trev remark in unison: “Way cool!!!”
“He does have a flare for the spectacle, Mr. Gony does indeed,” the guide tells the boys, grinning.
The creature bows.
“Hello Mr. Payne and Mr. Gony,” the children all reply.
“How’d you do that Mr. Gony??” Franklin Lopez asks the ugly executive in charge of Total Destruction.
“Well its very easy, child. I think real hard and concentrate and take aim, and let go!” The creature aims his razor sharp tail at another marcher and lets fly a stream of fire, vaporizing the unfortunate instantly.
“Righteous!” Hollers Bobby as he watches the marcher’s smoke rise .
“Come now , children,” Mr. Demoniac motions for the children to follow, “I must show you the Hounds of Hells.”
“Oh be careful Bobby, don’t get to close to the hounds,” Mrs. Langley tells the boy as he nears the two massive hounds feasting upon two corpses in advanced decay.
“It’s quite all right Mrs. Langley, Fido and Spot are feasting upon the damned right now and are completely oblivious of the children,” the guide explains. “Go ahead Bobby pet Fido. Go on he wont bite.”
“Cool,” the boy replies caressing the hound’s mangy coat. “What’s he eating?”
“Oh, well Bobby that is Leon Cordova, he was a mass murderer of children. The hounds love to feast upon mass murderers. Something in their flesh that seems sweat or salty, I am not sure which it is, but the hounds love them.”
“Can I pet him too?” Asks Ginger, Sharon’s playmate.
“Sure, go right ahead, ” Demoniac assures her.
“Children lets form a line and we can all take turns petting the hounds from Hell. Ginger you go first.”
“Mrs. Langley?”
“Yes?”
“After we are done here, I would love to show the children the belfry.”
“That sounds very interesting Mr. Demoniac. Do show,” she replies with a smile.
“Do you hear that children?”
They all stop for a second and turn their attention from the petting to their teacher.
“Mr. Demoniac wants to show us the belfry, so lets hurry here and we will be on our way.”
“Yes Mrs. Langley,” the children all chime in.
They’re covering their tiny ears for the resounding bells are extremely loud.
“They are so loud Sir,” one the kids tells Demoniac.
“Forgive me,” the tour guide from Hell replies. “I will turn the volume down.” And with a ‘Shhhhh” from his ruby red lips and passing off his bony hand the bells are quieter.
“What are the bells for?” Mrs. Langley asks, taking notes on her blue note pad.
“We use them to guide the damned to Hell. Much like a lighthouse would a ship in dire waters.”
“That’s funny. My husband said he heard bells right before he died.”
Looking embarrassed, the guide tells her, “Mr. Langley was a mistake Madam. We quickly corrected the mistake and rerouted your husband towards the heavens above. I am so sorry about that Ma’am.”
“Well,” she says as a look of relief appears on her face, “that’s so good to know.”
“That’s one hellacious tower, Mr. Demoniac,” Trev tells him.
“It once reached pass heaven till God ordered Mr. Beelzebub to shorten it after the Great War up in heaven. But that was a very long time ago. “
“Wow…..” Bobby interjects.
“Yep…wow.”
“Well I believe its time for us to go Mr. Demoniac. Please express our utmost gratitude to your boss Mr. Beelzebub on behalf of Lake Shore Elementary..” she takes his clammy hand, something cold creeps up her arm and she shivers.
“It was our pleasure. Come again, on friendly terms that is,” he tells her, laughing. He turns towards the children, “Thank you for coming. I truly enjoyed your company today, children.”
“Thank you, Mr. Demon Man,” the children chime in.
“Oh man, can’t we stay a little longer Mrs. Langley?? Please!” Bobby asks her.
“Now Bobby, Mr. Demoniac is a very busy man. With all the soul taking he must do every day.”
Smiling, Mr. Demoniac takes the boys hand and tells him: “Oh Bobby. We will be seeing a lot of you. Yes, A whole lot of you. Don’t you worry none.”
“Cool!” Bobby exclaims. “Mrs. Langley this was one Hellacious Field Trip!”
THE END
Copyright © 2001 by Arturo Hernandez
Poems by Arturo Hernandez 